Coward

As a child, I was socially awkward, and I had a really hard time making friends. Actually, I was a little prick, and basically forced otherwise nice people to either hate me or want to have nothing to do with me.

When I was in the 7th grade, I changed schools. My parents had recently divorced, and my dad had rented an apartment in another school district. Because I was such a miserable little shit and had no friends, I thought I could go to another school and start fresh.

This experiment lasted for exactly one day. I realized quickly that I would have no better luck making friends in the new school than I had in the old one. The new school was larger, scarier, and much more intimidating than the new one.

I remember the day that my parents informed the new school that I would be transferring back to the old one, I was called in to speak with the counselor at the new school. He warned me, wisely, that I couldn't spend my whole life running away. At some point, I would be forced to stay and deal with the problems I was having.

To this day, I am still running, in many ways.

I have become slightly less dickish in my behavior. I have actually managed to make a friend or two. Although I am not exactly comfortable in new social settings, I can at least avoid making outright enemies in most circumstances.

But I have not learned that I can not improve myself by avoiding my problems. Time and time again, when I am faced with difficulties, I put my head in the sand and pretend that there is no problem.

There is no difference, really, between a 13-year old me not doing a homework assignment that seems too hard and a 30-year old me not opening a credit card bill I think I can't pay.

I don't know when I will stop this cycle of willful neglect. I have screwed up my life pretty bad already, and it will be a struggle to put myself on a better path even if I can overcome these old habits.

If I can't change my habits, how much worse will it get? What more hell can happen in my life before I finally hit bottom? Is it too late now for me to be anything more than the coward who stares back at me from the mirror?